Low self-esteem drives people to sabotage their own relationships.
It makes them make mistakes that make it difficult for love to grow.
So if you really care about your relationship (and yourself!), find out if you have low self-esteem so you can make some improvements before it’s too late.
Here are 10 common mistakes people with low self-esteem make in relationships.
See how many of them you can relate to.
1) Jumping into a relationship too soon
If you’re not sure of your worth, it’s natural to want someone, anyone, to stick around.
You’re scared of being single because it makes you focus on your “flaws”… like you always have to prove to everyone that you’re desirable. You’d think the reason you’re single is because you’re not pretty enough or smart enough or interesting enough.
This, of course, will lead to more self-esteem issues later on if the relationship sours (am I really unlovable? What’s wrong with me?) because everything was rushed for the wrong reasons.
They say that your choice of partner has the biggest impact on your happiness.
Imagine if you let your low self-esteem make you make impulsive, fear-driven decisions.
So you see, to find the right partner, you need to make sure you have a healthy self-esteem.
Just a quick note:
Before I go on and on, I just want you to know that having low self-esteem is nothing to be ashamed of. There are many amazing people with very low self-esteem because they have been through trauma.
Luckily, it doesn’t take much to improve your self-esteem. A few sessions of therapy will improve your self-esteem enormously.
And if you are currently in a relationship, you can gradually change things in your relationship with the guidance of a relationship coach. I strongly recommend Relationship Hero for this. They know how to heal from past trauma so that you have a healthier view of yourself… and in turn, you’ll have healthier relationships.
2) Don’t be alarmed by red flags
Because you really want to be in a relationship, you’d do anything to stay in one…even if your partner spells TROUBLE
You see, if you have low self-esteem, you’re less likely to notice red flags. And even if you do, your subconscious would protect you from it and so you will see things through rose colored glasses.
You become forgiving, compassionate, and understanding with your partner, even if they are clearly exhibiting bad behavior. And the worst thing is that you even feel good about being “the only one who can understand them”, so you would stay even if the relationship becomes too toxic.
Because of this, most people who have low self-esteem get stuck in bad relationships for years. They just don’t think they deserve any better.
3) Always needing validation
If you have low self-esteem, you would always need words or actions of affirmation.
You would like to know—on a daily basis!—that you are still the most important person in your partner’s life. Because who knows if they’ve met someone better than you while they’re out and about for five minutes (and there are a lot of people better than you, well…that’s how you think anyway).
You need the big gestures: the bouquet of flowers at every occasion, the constant “I miss you” messages. And the right kind of “goodnight, love” to know his feelings for you has not changed.
4) Being overly suspicious all the time
When your partner doesn’t respond when you say “I love you,” you suspect they’re in love with someone else. Or that they simply love you less.
When your partner doesn’t compliment you when you get dressed for a date, you wonder if they don’t find you attractive anymore… and if there’s someone else they like.
And if they’re not feeling particularly sexual lately, you can’t help but think they’re fantasizing about someone else.
This is exhausting for your partner, no matter how patient they are. If you don’t deal with your self-esteem issues, you will find it difficult to maintain any relationship.
5) Forget themselves
People with low self-esteem do not value themselves enough.
They want to take care of others and make others feel good because they believe they are more worthy than them. And they label this act as “love” when in fact the other person is fine without these “selfless” gestures.
They gradually forget their hobbies because they want to do what their partner does.
They gradually forget what kind of food they like because they let their partner decide because “it’s what makes them happy.”
And, as time goes by, they gradually lose their identity because their world revolves around their partner and the relationship.
This is when the couple starts to lose interest. The person they dated has gone and morphed into someone who looks a little like them.
6) Acting like a victim all the time
People with low self-esteem are generally more sensitive…and most of the time, not in a good way.
When they’re in a relationship, they feel like their partner is always attacking them, when in reality, it’s just their insecurities making a mountain out of a molehill.
When their partner says something mildly negative towards them, they would interpret it as a personal insult, something their partner does deliberately to hurt them.
When they engage in a heated debate or argument about something really petty, they would think that their partner wants to show them that they are not smart enough.
If this continues, every conversation you have with your partner will feel strained… and that’s really not a good way to live.
7) Try to impress your partner
Because they want validation and security, they want their partner to always be happy that they chose them to be their boyfriend or girlfriend.
They want their partner to think they are the luckiest person in the world.
And so they try to impress their partner (and the people close to them) in any way they can, from the way they cook to the amount of money they make.
A person with low self-esteem always worries that they are replaceable, so they try their best not to be.
Although there is nothing wrong with this, this can be exhausting for the person with low self-esteem. Relying your self-worth on someone else’s perception of you is like being on a treadmill 24 hours a day. Quit before you burn yourself out.
8) Being too clingy
There’s the nice amount of grip that we all find adorable, but there’s the psychological level of grip that’s an instant turn-off. It is simple to imagine. Imagine your partner doing the same clingy behavior towards you. Sexy? Yes, definitely not.
Most people with low self-esteem limit the “psycho” level of clinginess because they NEED to feel close to their partner for their self-esteem.
Because of their insecurities and general lack of confidence in themselves (and their partner), they always want to be around him. They texted every hour and expected their partner to respond with the same level of enthusiasm and speed.
And they would show their disappointment when their partner told them they are going out with their friends.
This is a big mistake because it can lead to codependency. It can prevent your relationship from growing if you are together all the time.
9) They overthink
People with low self-esteem always question their worth, as well as the trust of the other person.
They analyze their lover’s every move and every word as if they were spies on a mission.
Questions are asked such as:
“Do they really love me or am I a temporary thing?”
“What do they really see in me? Maybe they’re just playing with my feelings and then leave me once I fall madly in love.”
And they don’t just wonder that some days. They ask themselves these questions several times a day, while riding the subway, walking their dog, or even while watching a TV show.
While it’s good to ask questions—after all, it’s very important to evaluate and reflect—it’s not healthy to do it too often, especially when things are going well.
Even the the stronger relationship would erode if too much “assessment” is being done.
10) They go hot and cold
Since they tend to overthink, this affects how they treat their partner.
When they are convinced that their partner really loves them, they warm up a lot: they would cook for them, give them letters, give them a hundred kisses.
But in those moments when they have become convinced that, for whatever reason, their partner doesn’t really love them (and is in fact just using them), then they would shut down and withdraw.
Your partner doesn’t even have to do anything because the battle happens in the mind of the person with low self-esteem.
It’s unfortunate, really. They could already have the best love ahead of them, but if they let their low self-esteem affect their relationship, it will end (or become very toxic).
Many of us have low self-esteem.
No wonder relationships aren’t so easy!
We are full of flaws, insecurities and fears…every one of us!
And that’s why relationships are always a work in progress. If you’re in one right now, don’t worry. It’s not too late. Chances are, they still love you despite your low self-esteem.
But start improving your self-esteem now. You’d be surprised how improving the way you see yourself could dramatically improve your relationship (and your life!)
If you want a relationship that can last forever, start by being confident in yourself.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want advice specific to your situation, talking to a relationship coach can be very helpful.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I contacted Relationship Hero when I was going through a rough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a place where highly trained relationship coaches help people get through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get personalized advice for your situation.
I was amazed at how friendly, empathetic and genuinely helpful my trainer was.
Take the free quiz here to find the perfect trainer for you.
Click the link above to get $50 off your first session – an exclusive offer for Hack Spirit readers.
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