Q I am 58 years old, married for 25 years and have three grown children who live elsewhere. My boyfriend of five years is 51, never married, no kids.
I wanted him to move out for good last year. This discussion gets heated with the feeling that I am asking too much. He gets defensive, withdraws, and I feel unworthy. Otherwise, we get along like best friends.
He lives in a city 30 minutes away. Here you store your clothes, bike and everything else you need. He spends all his time at my house. He only enters his rented house when he has a work shift.
It would be financially better for both of us if I lived here. He calls his house, with things inside, his “storage unit.”
I’d like to retire eventually, and I’m tired of the financial burden of two people living here 90% of the time while I don’t have the financial burden. He says he’ll do it when it’s an “organic fit,” an unknown moment.
She had an unstable childhood, many moves and divorces, saying that this is part of her ambivalence about moving there. He’s worried that we might fight and that he might throw him out (happened to him with a previous girlfriend).
I sympathize, but when is the line drawn? I want to share the time I have left with someone who loves me.
A The line is already drawn. His ambivalence about where he lives (especially your place) is a comfort and money saver he clings to tightly.
He may be a “best friend”, but he is not a committed partner. He may enjoy your company, but neither of you talk about “love.”
The result of this situation dragging on without a solution is a negative effect for you. At 58, with years of health ahead of you and the chance to meet new positive-minded people, no one should make you feel “unworthy!”
Not “good enough” for what? Carrying your part of the relationship? It has been delayed for five years due to “an organic adjustment”, without explanation. You want a true partner, not a freeloader.
Reaffirm your self-confidence. Hang out with friends, get involved in your community. And put the date to pay or leave.
Q Can you name one or two female marriage therapists I could consult?
A There are many excellent marriage therapists you can contact for an initial conversation, either in person or online. My personal opinion and experience has shown that the gender of a therapist does not matter.
It is the connection that a person seeking therapy feels or does not feel, when they hear the therapist’s answers to their situation, for example, a cheating husband.
One of the best such therapists I have ever heard of was a man whose wisdom and empathy enabled his client’s journey from heartbreak to a happier, more self-confident life, without the ‘man who had deceived her for years.
Finding a therapist who “gets” you starts with who you are at your core, not your own gender or current role in marriage. It’s up to you to “open up” and hear the answer. Carrying facts about oneself will only confuse the exchange between client and therapist.
Marriage therapy is a conversation and exploration of the relationship you are currently experiencing. Something inside makes you question where you are in your life and with whom.
In most cases, a professional marriage therapist will “get you” and can be very helpful. If, on the other hand, you are sure that this is not happening, you have every right to try someone else.
Dear readers: Some comments from people with experience and knowledge about a physical problem that can help many people:
For example, as far as the man is concerned, the woman’s chronic nocturnal itching keeps them both awake:
“They might consult with a traditional medicine doctor, who will likely prescribe Chinese herbs and apply acupuncture needles; an herbalist, who would prescribe Western herbs; a homeopath, who would prescribe homeopathic remedies; a holistic nutritionist, who would see if changes in their diet and supplements can help.Or an osteopath or chiropractor who will make sure your spine is in alignment.
“Irrigated skin can indicate internal problems: liver, kidney, lungs, spine, diet and/or stress. These professionals will study both, from the context of your entire life.
“Online, they can find licensed and registered practitioners in their own area. Some homeopaths, herbalists and nutritionists also work online. Interested readers should check out their websites.”
From a registered professional homeopath
Ellie’s tip of the day: Someone who will not share the costs of living together is not your partner.
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