I’m in love with my friend – Love Letters – Boston.com

Please enjoy the holidays. We’ll have an update tomorrow and come back on Monday.

In the meantime, I’ll be reading issues, questions, updates and everything this weekend. I am grateful to those who ask questions, because many others are wondering about something similar, and sharing everything… well, it helps.

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Hi Meredith,

I (a man in my 30s) have been strongly attracted to a close friend (a woman, only a few years apart) for a long time. When I told him about it, he told me that he is not interested in dating anyone and that we have remained close friends. I thought that with time, my unrequited feelings would eventually dissipate, but that doesn’t seem to be happening this time. I want to be able to respect his feelings and still be friends, but I don’t know what to do with my lingering feelings.

I think it’s stopping me from wanting to date other people, and it’s clear that our friendship isn’t going to turn into anything else. When I think about trying to date anyway, it feels unfair to the other person to still have those feelings. But it seems the opposite, I’m just going around.

Thanks for any thoughts.

– Turn

What a self-aware person you are. You come to this column already knowing a lot: that your feelings won’t go away, that their feelings won’t change, and that your life as a couple is on hold because you can’t stop focusing on the real object of your affection.

What you didn’t tell us is how much you talk to this woman. You say she’s a close friend, so I’m going to assume she’s a lot. This is where the advice comes in, and… you might not love it.

You need space from her so you can get over these feelings. Even though the two of you have never dated, it’s kind of like a breakup. Spending some time without his attention, where you notice his absence, gives you a chance to accept the limitations. You might see it more clearly if you don’t see it at all.

Also, it may help your desire to look for a different company. You may notice things about other people that you previously missed.

You’re probably wondering, “How much time off?” I wish I could say. Maybe you share friends; this would mean that the break is more about texting and one-on-ones, as opposed to social events with everyone.

She’s been open and understanding, hasn’t she? Let him know that you need space because these lingering feelings are getting in the way of what is good for you and both of you.

The lack of communication may seem wrong at first, but that’s the discomfort that can come with change. sit there You might lose her as a close friend in the process (she might be downgraded slightly), but that’s okay. It’s not a punishment, it’s just what’s honest.

– Meredith

Readers? Tips for getting over a friend without losing the friendship? Or is it better to lose the friendship?

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