Oh it’s me! is a series in which The Swaddle treats your pity party to tips you’ll likely ignore.
“I have found everything I have always wanted, in my relationship with my current partner. However, his childhood best friend makes me very uncomfortable. He was in love with her, but she kept imagining him and came back into his life whenever it suited her. When we started dating, she threw a fit and asked him to choose between her and me. She made it clear that she chose me, but I am extremely intimidated by this girl because I feel like I need to constantly match her. I’ve told him I’m uncomfortable with his drunk calling him all the time, and he says he can’t block her. I have expressed my anxiety but he does nothing about it or the situation. What should I do?”
– Hit a wall
DR: Rather than trying to decide whether your fears are unfounded, I’ll go ahead and ask you to try to answer just one thing honestly: Has your partner tried to address this insecurity beyond simply telling you there’s nothing to worry about? -has? About? If not, I don’t think it’s worth watching this relationship come to its inevitable end when your insecurity becomes too much for either of you. While it’s up to you to work on yourself so you don’t feel threatened by all the ex-lovers of the people you’re with, it’s also up to him to make sure his partner feels safe in the relationship with him , especially if this is not a pattern of behavior that you have repeatedly found yourself demonstrating in your relationships.
Exes can absolutely be friends! But drunk calling your ex doesn’t reflect a healthy dynamic. Also, I’m sorry to say, but your partner’s refusal to set some boundaries isn’t portraying him in the best light. I’m not saying that necessarily means he’s still hung up on her; maybe, he just enjoys the attention. Either way, this seems too stuck up to me, and I honestly think you can let them untangle whatever their situation is and build stronger, more respectful relationships with people who can actually value you.
AS: Do you think you have to face her head on, at this point? But before that maybe talk sternly about this topic once again with your partner. However, since he’s said he can’t block her, the best possible option might be to confront his friend directly. I understand that this is something that will take a lot of courage and energy, but once done, it will probably be for the best for all of you. All the best!
AS: It’s a difficult situation to be in. Your partner’s relationship with his friend seems too complicated and part of the responsibility for you feeling uncomfortable falls on him. I can understand why you feel lost, because other than expressing your concerns with him frankly, I don’t see many ways you can navigate this situation without resorting to what you want to avoid, which is the same as what the friend of your partner asked him: choose between the two of you. To fix it, you’ll need to keep talking about it to impress on your partner how much it’s affecting you. Regardless of what your partner decides they can or can’t do about the situation, I think the decision here is also up to you to make a call for yourself: this relationship, no matter how good it is otherwise, is good for you in the long run if you feel constantly threatened?
AB: This is not a matter of male-female relationships – if this girl has demanded that your partner choose between the two of you, there is a deeper level. This is not your fault, nor is it your responsibility. The onus is on your partner to make sure boundaries are set, and it sounds like this girl is the one feeling insecure about your relationship. There is no need to issue an ultimatum like she did, but this situation cannot continue either. Your partner needs to understand that it’s not okay and that you’re perfectly within your rights to talk to him about it. Your relationship isn’t all you want it to be if this problem with your friend is a constant source of stress. Avoid any stereotypical “cat fights” and talk to your partner about it. You are perfectly within your right to demand a change; if not, leave. Admittedly, it’s the hardest choice to make, but I guarantee you’ll find other people without that codependency and blurred boundaries, who won’t make you feel insecure about your place in a relationship.
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