Alexis Rae Baker
By Alexis Rae Baker
I recently started dating again. After my last relationship, it became painful and obvious that I needed some time and work on myself. I thought I had it all worked out, but now that I’m in a relationship, I find the same insecurities resurfacing. I am plagued by the fear that he is cheating on me, even though I have no evidence to support this claim. I know I’m being paranoid, but I can’t figure out how not to freak out at the possibility. Any suggestions?
I’m sorry you’re struggling so much with this. First, I want to assure you that the work you have put into improving yourself is not wasted time. There are just some things that need to be worked out “in the trenches”. Insecurity in a relationship is a good example of this.
Even after years of meditation, education, and personal development, I also suffered from insecurity when I met my husband (I still do sometimes). We desperately want this person to like and love us, but because we can’t read their mind, we tend to fear that they won’t (even if they say they do).
If you’ve been cheated on in the past, that fear and insecurity tends to be much worse because you now have legitimate proof that you weren’t reading the situation correctly. Also, people often find out about the cheating and say things like, “I never liked that guy,” “boys will be boys,” or similar cute yet hurtful statements.
Essentially, as people try to help us feel better, they tend to use words that amount to “the signs were there from the beginning; you should have known.”
The truth is, people change, and when you love someone, you fully believe in their ability to be the best version of themselves. It’s a beautiful thing. We’ve all done things in the past that we’re not proud of, and those mistakes can affect us for the rest of our lives. Imagine if we were all judged based on past mistakes.
People despair and people make mistakes. We say things we don’t mean, we hurt our closest friends and family, and we fall short. This is part of the development process. Some make the mistake of cheating. However, even though these errors do happen, it doesn’t help to wait for them either.
If you expect your partner to cheat on you, chances are they will, either because they feel you’re not fully present or because you’re attracting cheaters by expecting relationships to develop that way.
By taking the time to work through your past relationships, I doubt the latter is the case. So now you have to determine what kind of relationship you want. Are you okay with being in a relationship where you’re constantly looking over your shoulder, waiting for the next shoe to drop, or do you want to be in a relationship where you trust your partner and can be fully open, present, and connected? ?
If you want the second, it just becomes a matter of practice. What would someone who trusts their relationship do? What do you need to feel more safe and secure? Have you tried talking about your fears?
Often, you’ll find that your partner is struggling with similar fears, and this realization can bring you closer. By expressing your concern and discovering their concern, you can begin to see yourself through their eyes and trust that they truly care about you.
Angus and I have both expressed our concern that the other may come out one day. It’s an unwarranted fear, but through discussion, we both get a better look at how much the other cares. And the more we can see each other through the eyes, the less fear arises.
It’s a process and it takes time, but if you put in the work and keep communicating, you’ll soon discover a new level of connection you never knew you could have.
All my best wishes for you in this relationship.
Lexis is Alexis Rae Baker. He writes from his home in Olympia. Have a question about life, relationships, spirit? Visit her at lexisrae.com or write to Lexis at mailto:Lexis@theJOLTnews.com.
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