We look back at Portishead because there are a lot of women in their 40s on Tinder now


Who could forget Portishead’s sultry trip-hop? The answer is me, and most men under 30, but it’s time to change that.

Portishead are an accomplished and highly influential group whose work paved the way for a wider acceptance of genre-bending in alternative music. Also, there are some absolute MILFs on Tinder right now and I need a ticket.

Let’s take a look at Portishead’s discography and hopefully generate a few conversation starters for all the tattooed, 40+ smoke shows in my area that frankly intimidate me!

Dummy (1994)
Wow, is THAT Portishead? Damn, this music is sexy as shit! I mean it’s like, hypnotic. I’m actually tempted to relax and give it a deep listen, but no, I have to stay focused. Let’s go through the track list and see if it lends itself to some fancy pickup lines.

“Bitter Times”
“Hey, you know I love Portishead as much as the next guy, but there’s nothing Sour in the Times we’d have together!”
OK, not bad, but kind of a big swing…

“strangers”
“Hey Stranger(s, like this Portishead song, do you like them? Would you ever date a younger man too?)
Both gimmicky and a little too on the nose, but hey, there are no bad ideas in a brainstorm, right?

“carts”
“Don’t you just love that song ‘Roads’ by Portishead? By the way, I’m so good you’re having kids!”
Yeah, ok, I see, these get worse.

“Glory Box”
Ok, let’s avoid the obvious and take the high road here.
“Girl you don’t need to give me a reason to love you cause your pics are 🔥🔥🔥”
I nailed it. No, he blocked me. Okay, maybe a little strong. Next album!

Portishead (1997)

“Cowboys”
“Today could be the biggest day, have coffee with me?”

“Only you”
“These crimes of illusion, because age is not just a number, they are fooling us all!”

Wow, I’m hitting left and right here. Next album!

Roseland NYC Live
Damn, this album is amazing! Unfortunately, it’s a live album with no original tracks, so it doesn’t inspire more pick-up lines, except maybe…

“Sup girl, you be Portishead, I’ll be the New York Philharmonic, we make beautiful music together 😉”
No, blocked again. Shit Next album.

Third (2008)
Wait, 2008? We don’t need this one.

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